Christmas jokes?

[iHaunt]

Anyone have a good XMAS joke here? Please post it here, so we can laugh!

[Andybev01]

just keep posting, iHaunt.

[Andybev01]

This is the classic Christmas joke.

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.

[Belladonna]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man that was great! lol
Thanks for the laugh, Andy!

[iHaunt]

That's really funny, Andy! Thanks for posting a christmas joke here!

I will try to think of something to post a christmas joke here later.

[Spookymufu]

just keep posting, iHaunt.

heh, I thought he was doing a good job all by himself too.

[sueluvshalloween]

That's a great joke!

I'm sure everyone's sick and tired of the Tiger Woods scandal (I know I am!), but I have to post this joke that my 14-year-old daughter came home from school with:

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stopped at three ho's.

[Spookymufu]

Another tiger woods joke


It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned
in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children
are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave
early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and
will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b**ches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[iHaunt]

Ok, then... how would Santa Claus will know how you've been good or bad....

So, Santa will come over your place and on your roof to the chimney where he can leak his doo-doo down in your own fireplace! Santa would say it's surely thing to warm his butt up!

[witchy]

I have only one Santa joke & it's very dirty, I am not sure I should post it? If you want to here it pm me!!! Ha ha ha!!

[iHaunt]

Witchy, please do not post it here!

Sure, send me a PM.

[NeverMore]

.
Ha! Ha! Ha! That was classic!

[NeverMore]

.
These were some of Loaded Santa's cleaner tweets

• Santa speaks every language on Earth. Even binary! For all you virgins.
• “Holy infant so tender and mild.” Really? Who’s the creepo that wrote that lyric.
• Little Mikey in Toronto wants a Twilight book! Good choice, son. That should go well with your uterus.
• Kids, having faith in Santa means believing in me, loving me, and sending me pics of your mom trying on bras.
• You know when all the other reindeer made fun of Rudolph’s nose? I laughed. There. I said it. Gross freak.
• Ho Ho Ho! That’s not a laugh, it’s a mating call.
• Santa’s busy! These Barbies aren’t going to creepily fondle themselves.
• Oh hey mall santas! What do you guys do when you’re *not* piggybacking off a thousand years of my lore?
• Hey Billy from Idaho, your letter says you want a PS3. Santa just changed it to “novelty calculator from Staples”
• Don’t worry people. Don’t worry. Like I’m *not* going to sh*t in Kanye’s stocking.
• Who said I loved every place on Earth? Have you been to south Cleveland?

[Belladonna]

Excellent jokes post!
I should know never to drink coffee at the same time I am reading your posts, though..you'd think I would learn, but NO!!

[NeverMore]

Excellent jokes post!
I should know never to drink coffee at the same time I am reading your posts, though..you'd think I would learn, but NO!!

Asner? Here's another...


Christmas Golf

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one of
them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas
morning, roll out of bed - and without an argument, go directly to the
golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes. All three of his friends
unanimously agree, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a
way and meet here early Christmas morning!”

A few weeks later it’s Christmas morning - and there all are standing
next to each other on the first tee box. One friend exclaims “Boy this
game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond
ring, she can’t even take her eyes off it.”

Another friend says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning
the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

The third friend replies “Well, my wife is at home admiring her new
car… reading the manual.”

Silence from the fourth guy.

The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy
in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds.
“I can’t believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf. I
just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry
Christmas! Golf or secks, what’s it gonna be?” and she said “Take a
sweater.”